With apologies to Stephen Colbert. I bring you "You're On Notice!" This is a helpful guide to assist in pointing out those who aggravate me so much.
- The Giants- No explanation needed here. The evil pumpkins are a constant aggravation. Someone needs to bomb those people. What self respecting American wears orange on a daily basis? Tell me! Who?
- Cute Little Kids at Games- OK. If you're gonna show cute little children posing for the camera's while on Daddy's lap then you have to show a a cute young co-ed giving a lap dance to a dirty old man. It's only fair!
- St. Louis Cardinals- Let me get this straight. The Card's sweep the season series from the Dodgers, but then suck when they play anyone else? Where's the love? Now get this straight little Pujols and aging Edmonds, you owe us. We make you look good. So, the next time we play you better suck!
- Dodgers on Demand- I nearly had a heart attack when I heard about this channel. Did the Dodgers actually do something right? If they keep this up I will have a heart attack! So, you're on notice! Stop coming up with good ideas! My doctor would appreciate it.
- The McCourts- I just need to complain about El Presidente! This is a family monarchy that is not above the law. Dictatorship will not stand! It is my right, no my duty, to complain even if there is nothing to complain about.
- Jeff Weaver- Am I glad your not wearing Blue anymore. But, you're on notice! Don't even think about coming back! You too Odalis!
- Bill Plaschke- You're on notice Ding Bat! I can't read you anymore. I cross out your editorials with black ink and place pictures of clownish Katherine Harris, that I've downloaded off the internet, all over your writings. I figure that will stop me from glancing at your words. Of course, that's after I've already read your column while on the can. You make me so angry!
- Global Warming- Damn you earth! Summer is turning into a boiling inferno. How do you expect me to watch a game on a weekend afternoon when it's 200 degrees outside. Stop it now, or I'll go to war against you!